What keeps me going is the ability to quit

Man but it’s been a rough week. As I work through the afternoon on this gloriously beautiful Sunday in San Diego, I feel lonely and depressed by the isolation that is intrinsic to writing for a living. I’ve been sitting here in a very quiet apartment for hours, days, a week at a time, trying hard not to dwell on recent personal upheavals and the ever-present worries about whether I can pay the rent. Even if I get out like I have been making the effort to do lately — coffee with friends, a bottle of wine with a neighbor — I still face 12, 14, 20 hours a day in the thick, smothering silence of this quiet apartment where those self-defeating thoughts fester and spread.

My family in Colorado keeps encouraging me to get a job or to move back to the Denver area so I’m not so isolated. And there have been some hours this week when I’m very, very tempted to put together a resume and pass it around.

What keeps me going, keeps me dedicated to pursuing my dream of writing for a living on my own terms, is that at a moment’s notice I have the ability to throw in the towel. Today, tomorrow. Next week. Next year. I can quit. I’m not trapped by the road I’ve taken. I have options at any time.

When I was in Peace Corps in Mali, West Africa, I adopted the same philosophy. The first few months in my little village were very rough… I didn’t know the language very well; it was unbearably hot every night and every day; I stayed sick almost all the time. My parents recognized that I was close to the end of my rope, and they purchased a ticket for me to return to the States for Christmas.

I had been away since February — almost a year — and the first thing I recognized was that nothing at all had changed. I had grown as a person, developed new language and coping skills, seen things no one I knew had seen before. But the US was exactly the same. I recognized right then that if I quit that Christmas or the next Christmas or if I served the full 27 months, I could slip back into my cultural mainstream with no problem, no ripple, no explanation needed.

So, despite the fact that owning my own business and making my own living and sitting alone in this apartment is really, really tough at times, I know this is making me stronger, smarter and ultimately more fulfilled. And I know that I can change things and slip back into a mainstream life the moment I decide I’m really, really done.

I’m just not done yet.

6 Responses to “What keeps me going is the ability to quit”

Moonbeam McQueen on 22 Oct 2007 at 12:01 pm #

This was a beautiful post, Beth. Hang in there– I have a feeling that this is going to be a very fulfilling path for you. As for the “smothering silence,” I recommend pandora.com.

Care on 24 Oct 2007 at 2:09 pm #

Hi! You are on my list of SanDiego-ers that I’ve been thinking about. Good to hear you are safe. So many interesting thoughts and reactions to these fires; I have no words to contribute…

Wendy on 24 Oct 2007 at 8:17 pm #

This was a really interesting post, Beth. I’m familiar with the isolation of writing for a living, and also with the struggle to do it while your family encourages you to stop. They mean well, of course, they don’t want you to have any worries, but in my case it was their concern that added to my worries. I give you lots of credit, and I hope you have some writer friends you can turn for encouragement as well as an outlet for the frustrations that crop up from time to time. For what it’s worth, from this vantage point it looks like you’re doing great. This blog is outstanding, and your willingness to share your advice and your life will undoubtedly bring good Karma your way.

Elizabeth Striano on 25 Oct 2007 at 10:26 am #

Beth-
Sorry we keep missing each other. We really should chat. I was moved by your postings on the fires and how you’re trying to help out. But I also found a lot of similarities in this post, in which you talked about getting used to the “life of a writer,” and the isolation. I was surprised when I went out on my own that I felt so isolated. I thought for sure that I would relish the quiet - and be mostly adapted to it since I’ve been telecommuting about twice per week for the last eight years. But it’s been by far on of the hardest changes I’ve had to adjust to (not to mention the money issues!). It was reassuring to see that others face the same issue.

Loz on 29 Oct 2007 at 5:03 pm #

Hi Beth
I got here from CuriousC’s blog. Just want to say that it’s important to pursue your dreams until it is no longer a dream.

I will never be unemployed again | Life on Avenue Z on 26 Mar 2008 at 7:36 am #

[...] the fall when my new business and old life were really rocky, I wrote a post about being able to continue on because I have the ability to quit at any time. The same is true today. But last night I realized that even if I do decide to quit, I have the [...]