The last couple of days have been very exciting. This fall I read one of my short stories at a DimeStories event, and it tickled the funny bone of a reporter for The San Diego Reader. When he wrote a column about the event, he called my piece “the funniest story of the evening.”

The funniest story of the evening was told by a woman who wrote about going to the bathroom at work and having her boss sit in the stall next to her. People often talk about the Seinfeld where Elaine was in the bathroom and ran out of toilet paper. Well, the story told on this night was ten times funnier.

Awesome, right? I’m on top of the world. He asked me to post the whole story in the comments, and DimeStories went on to post the audio on the home page of their site. Awesome, awesome, awesome!

Now here’s the problem… My mother is mortified I wrote the story. It makes people squeamish. When people laughed at it during the reading, their eyes were wide and they covered their mouths with their hands in embarrassment. It is an oh-my-god-is-she-really-saying-that story. And I read it with all the gusto it deserves, which makes it even more atrocious.

So, here I am a professional writer with my own successful business. Do I keep news of my fiction away from my clients? Would they approve of a freelancer who writes copy for their website one minute and off-color fiction the next? Isn’t this like the female police officer who moonlights as a stripper? I’m really torn. Frankly, I love this piece. It makes me laugh, and it doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all to read it aloud. And I can’t tell you how excited I am that it’s gotten so much attention.

My gut feeling is that my present clients wouldn’t mind — in fact, they may get a kick out of it. They’ve known me for a while, and they know I’m a little off. I even sent it directly to a couple of them because I thought they’d laugh*. In addition, I truly hope to one day (soon?) make a living writing my own stuff. But I just sent out a massive mailing to try to solicit more clients. If they root around online and find this piece, would that be a turnoff?

It’s kinda too late now to ask that question. The story is out there, and my name is on it. If there are consequences, I’ll have to live with them.

For your uncomfortable listening/reading pleasure: “The Best Laid Plans of a Professional Meeting Planner”

• The audio (funniest)
• The published version (I love the comments)

*Neither of the clients I sent it to have written me back. Err.

My dear readers,

I’m at it again…On February 28, 2010, I will run my 5th marathon, this time the Mardi Gras Rock & Roll Marathon in New Orleans. Frankly, I can’t figure out why I continue running marathons*: my knees hurt; I love the couch; no one wants to see me in spandex; … I could go on and on. But I can tell you why I keep running them with The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society…

…. My madness can make a difference.

Speaking plainly, cancer sucks. By running to raise money to find a cure, I’m contributing to the research and support The Society gives to people with blood cancers. Mom is fighting thyroid cancer, and last year was more difficult than I could have ever imagined. I hope with every mile I run, with every dollar I raise, I can prevent other families from having to suffer.

Please don’t let my madness be for naught. If you enjoy hanging out here on Avenue Z and listening to the ups and downs of a professional freelance writer, please consider a donation. I’m asking for at least a buck a mile – that is $26.20 – to help find a cure. I’ll do all the running, but you’ll know you’re a part of the efforts. To donate, please visit http://tinyurl.com/Marathon5.

Thanks in advance for your support. Wish me luck!

Beth

Wait… ain’t got much dough this year? You can still help.

• Use my shopping portal to make your online purchases, and the stores will kick back a donation at no cost to you!
  —> http://bethz.mytnt.org
• Order a great cup o’ Joe at Jittery Joe’s, and I receive $3 for every can of TNT Blend you buy!
  —> http://tinyurl.com/BuyGreatCoffee

* Ok, you and I both know why I run marathons… it’s to support my cupcake habit.

About a month after I started my business, I created the most successful marketing campaign I’ve ever had. I sent about 50 letters to business owners with a pitch about how I could help their business. From that one mailing, I think I received 10 inquiries and at least five paying customers. Furthermore, two of those customers are still with me, and both use me each and every month.

Since then I’ve sent out probably 10 or so other campaigns — emails, letters, postcards. The ROI has been dismal, yet I keep trying new things. I’ve *never* gone back to that successful campaign tactic.

This, of course, makes no sense. When a small business owner discovers a strategy that produces amazing results, why wouldn’t she keep doing it until it no longer produces?

The problem stems from one of my weaknesses as a small business owner and as a professional in general: I get bored. Yeah, that worked. What else will work? How can I be even MORE clever? What else can I do that will catch the eye of a potential client?

I’ve been plotting another huge letter campaign to announce my new look, services and website. Oh boy did I have some great ideas about promoting Avenue Z! I’ve been so excited about the prospect that I haven’t stopped to think about the potential ROI. Is it a good idea to send hundreds of “look at me” letters to a general audience, or would my time be better spent identifying more people in that original pool of contacts and sending them an updated version of that successful letter?

Dang. You’re right. I’ll be a good little business owner and take the more traveled path.

This morning I paid a visit to my friendly, neighborhood printing store (PB Printing), where Mario the manager was on hand to listen to my latest tales of printing mishaps.

“I have a business card crisis,” I announced. “I am trying to print my new cards with the new logo, and two printers have produced disappointing results. See, this one is too flimsy, and this one was cut too small. And I have 1000 of each! Don’t you think I need to redo them?”

Mario paused, thinking for a moment. “Yes, this one’s a little thin. And it’s so strange that these cards are so small, but honestly — and I don’t mean to talk myself out of a sale — honestly, you’re just being too picky.”

Too picky? Didn’t he see that the cards were not PERFECT? Couldn’t he tell that I was ready to pay yet more money to make everything EXACTLY the way I had imagined it?

Mario continued, “I know these little things mean a lot to you, but frankly, no one else will care. It’s a business card. It holds your information. These are both perfectly acceptable, and I’m sure you can think of better ways to invest in your business that will pay off more than this.”

Ahhh. Mario is indeed wise. Although my new business cards are not PERFECT, not one recipient would look at them and say, “Wow. Bad cards. I’m never calling her.” If I hadn’t talked to Mario, I would have gone to yet a third discount online printer to try to improve on the cards, and I would have ended up with another 1000.

Things I learned this morning:

1. Experts are helpful.
   Talking to Mario and benefiting from his years of experience, I saved myself time and hassle, not to mention more money. Thank you, Mario! (Plus, by talking me out of these cards, he probably earned himself another sale the next time I need to print something.)
2. It’s easy to lose perspective.
   As Mario pointed out — these are just business cards. You get them. You give them. Some stand out. Some don’t. It’s just no big deal.
3. Perfection is tough to find.
   The whole logo and site redesign started because I ran out of the old business cards. I needed to update my address and add other services to my site. Thus began a complete redesign that took several weeks, about a thousand bucks and a whole lot of worrying. And I had envisioned the perfect business card to be the culmination of my hard work.
4. Two thousand business cards is a lot.
   My original business card order in 2007 was for a thousand cards. It took me two years to give them all out. Now I have 2000 new cards. Anyone want one? Or a dozen?