A few weeks ago on Twitter, a woman posted a link to her blog. Her blog post was unremarkable, a story of a woman doing too much with too many dreams set aside. She made promises to herself that she would start carving out time to reach her own goals. We’ve all written those posts.

But the funny thing is that the post had a subscript. “Oh my God. I’m exactly where I was 5 years ago,” she wrote, with a link to another post. The post from 2004 was an exact replica of the newer post, putting a painful time stamp on proof that she wasn’t making any progress, even though she had vowed to do better before.

The same thought struck me somewhat when I wrote my last post. I talked about how recent stresses in my life had made me realize how important writing is to me and had clarified how much I want to write for myself. Sometimes these revelations that are crystal clear seem like they’ve come from nowhere, but the truth is we’ve probably promised ourselves the same things before. We’ve vowed to accept our bodies. We’ve sworn that we’ll start volunteering. We’ve promised we’ll be better parents, siblings, children, significant others.

But how often have we really decided on change then made it happen?

Perhaps I’m the worst person in the world to analyze this, but hey… it’s my blog, right? I think in order for us to actually implement the change we want to make, three things need to be true.

1. We have to make the change for the right reason. We won’t make real changes if we’re doing it because someone else wants us to. I tried for YEARS to get my father to stop smoking. As a kid I drew skull-and-crossbones pictures on his cigarette packs with thick black markers. And my ex-husband wanted me to lose weight. Take a guess how those two initiatives ended.
2. We have to believe we’re worthy of the change. When we dream, we usually hope for things that will make us feel good, look better, earn more money or invite more happiness. If deep down we don’t believe we’re worthy of advancement, we won’t work very hard to take ourselves out of our present reality.
3. We have to believe the change itself is worth it. Perhaps it’s just a little niggle of a concern that passes through your conscious mind while your thoughts are whizzing by. What if what I’m trying to do just isn’t worth it? Change of almost any type is challenging and takes extra energy. It’s much easier to muddle along in the muddle you know instead of getting into something you don’t know will work.

For those of us who keep making plans and getting frustrated when we don’t achieve our goals, perhaps we should examine the real reasons we keep making excuses. I want to be a published author, yet I have to ask myself if I’m doing that because *I* want to be an author or because other people will think it’s cool that I’m an author. I doubt my ability to write, and there’s a little voice inside me that tells me I’m not good enough to be one of the *real* authors, the ones who don’t have to keep their day jobs. And I’m not sure if what I want to write is worth the effort of writing it. Yes, I can probably write a book that some people would want to buy, but would it help people?

So, what other reasons do you think people have for putting off change?

When things in your life go nuts, what gives? What do you let drop? And is that an indication of what is important to you?

This morning I had 30 minutes before an important client call, and for the first time in 2 weeks, I sat down to write a blog post. My sister (and others) have been elbowing me about not writing lately (“Hey, Beth… what gives? Where you been?”), and I really wanted to let the words I think all day and night flow again.

Then the phone rang. It was my sister. My little window of opportunity to write for myself (and for my neglected blog readers) slipped away.

My problem right now isn’t really time management. Frankly for the past two weeks or so I feel like I’ve been working and running nonstop. Work is hopping with major projects for several key clients. I’m the first to admit that I really fell off the productivity wagon this fall when I got the news about Mom. But I’m focused and productive and working my rear off these days, and I’m still behind. Really behind.

The second priority has been the boyfriend and his family. His parents were in town for 10 days, and we were getting together almost every evening. D.J. put them on a plane this morning, so perhaps that social obligation will be gone, but I still want to be a good girlfriend to D.J. and save some quality time for him.

Thirdly, I’ve committed myself to training for my fastest marathon ever. I went from working out 3-5 days a week to 5-7 days a week. And they’re not just little trips to the gym. Some of my workouts are 2 and 3 hours, and that’s been hard to schedule.

Oh, did I tell you I’m moving in with D.J. this month? Priority number four. We moved my bed over to his house for his parents to use, so I’m using my apartment as a day office and sleeping there at night. Of course, my clothes aren’t there. But for some reason, I can’t find anything here at the office either. I haven’t worn appropriate undergarments in more than a week. (Not the first time I’ve had this problem.)

So, I have work, family, training and moving as co-priorities, and that hasn’t left time for anything else. When the writing time started to slip away, I started to realize how important it is to me, and I wondered why I wasn’t making time to do it. If it’s so important, why did I let it go for so long?

As the clock ticks quickly toward my second anniversary as a professional freelance writer, I realize more and more that I want to work more toward writing for myself. I’ve proven that I can write for other people because I’ve found and retained clients who pay me to write for them. I consider that a success. But now that I think back to the decision I made to start writing in the first place, I realize I wanted to freelance for other people because I wasn’t as confident as I needed to be about my own writing. Now that I’ve established that I can write for other people, I feel more excited about writing for myself.

In sum, I’ve been busy. That’s what gives. But my life of late has helped me realize what’s important to me, and I’ll get back to writing for you and for me very, very soon.

How, how, how are we going to fix the health care system? How can small business owners, families… ANYONE deal with the cost of health care? How can a simple sinus infection cost ~$300 to address?

I have a sinus infection. No big deal, right? It’s going around right now. But I’ve had it for more than a week, and it’s getting worse, not better. I’m starting to lose income because all I want to do is sleep. I’m grumpy. I’m whiny. And I have to run 13 miles tomorrow. I cannot afford to be sick.

So, yesterday I broke down and went to an urgent care clinic. I’ve had a lot of sinus infections, and usually I wait and wait and wait then go to the doctor only to have him give me antibiotics that make me feel better in 24 hours. So this time I decided to go a little earlier than usual to avoid the extra days of misery.

As a small business owner, I struggle with the costs of health insurance. I secured what amounts to coverage for catastrophic events, paying about $175 a month for a $5,000 deductible and a Health Savings Account, which I also pay into every month. Right now I have about $1,000 in it, so I figured I could spend a little to feel better. That’s what it’s there for, right?

I told the doctor I thought I needed antibiotics, and he went into the long explanation of why doctors no longer automatically prescribe antibiotics. Most of these colds are viral. Most of the time antibiotics will do no good. When we overprescribe antibiotics, it can contribute to the creation of antibiotic-resistant “super bugs” that are increasingly hard to treat.

I know all this, and I feel guilty that I was asking for an antibiotic. But I felt like I understood my symptoms very well and needed more help.

The doctor said one way to tell if an infection was bacterial was to get an x-ray of my sinuses — I think he said something about a snot-to-fluid ratio, but I’m not sure. All I heard was CHA-CHING! How much was an x-ray?

As the nurse was leading me down the hallway to the other department, I asked how much x-rays were. I started to get this panicky feeling in my chest — the visit to the clinic was likely to be $150. X-rays… maybe another $100? So $250 for the doctor to tell me to take two aspirin and pay on the way out?

For the first time in my life, I stood up to ask more questions about a medical test. I’ve had dozens of sinus infections — this was the first x-ray anyone had ordered. And I just couldn’t afford to wipe out a quarter of my health savings for a cold.

So I asked to speak to the doctor again first, and I started to cry (remember I was sick — and whiny). “All these expenses come out of pocket,” I said. “If your gut tells you this is viral, and you’re going to tell me there’s nothing that can be done, no problem… I’d prefer to just go home now without the x-ray.”

Long story medium, he did other tests and determined I needed antibiotics and other meds. Or maybe he was just giving into my whining. I don’t know. The prescriptions cost $125. The visit is going to be about $175, I think. That’s $300 for a sinus infection, and about 1/3 of my savings.

My stupid little sinus infection that I never should have seen a doctor for is so very, very minor. What if something big happened? What if I had kids? What if I couldn’t get health insurance or couldn’t afford to put money away? In fact, I was just thinking of slowing down my contributions to my HSA because I thought I had enough money stashed away. Now I know that even a small problem can wipe that account out.

I get scared, friends. I worry for people who can’t afford coverage. I imagine moms in a doctor’s office, knowing they’re facing medical bills they’ll have trouble paying when their kids are sick. Boyfriend D.J., who’s a bankruptcy lawyer, says medical problems are one of the factors that regularly seek people to ask for his help. What are we going to do?

I have no answers. But I have tons of questions.

I remember where I was standing when the phone rang on August 19, 2008, when my father called to tell me Mom’s cancer had taken a very serious turn. I sank to the floor in my bedroom, repeating, “What? Wait. What? I don’t understand. What?”

For the next six weeks, our family struggled to absorb the news. Then Mom started radiation, and we had a new set of problems dealing with the horrible side effects. In November, the radiation ended, and we were left with the after effects: Mom had lost 40+ pounds. And our lives were question marks on a roller coaster.

But somehow, life kept happening. We made it through the holidays. Mom slowly started feeling better, finding a little more strength. But it wasn’t until very recently that we left the fall’s state of constant crisis and settled into what we consider to be our new reality.

Our new reality is that Mom is sick, but she’s still Mom. She’s starting to do things more often, like go to a play with Sarah and me (that’s the picture). Almost every day she … err… tosses her cookies (sorry for the overshare). She is trying to eat more, but she’s still losing weight. But that’s what life looks like right now, and we’ve somehow come to accept it.

We’ve come to cling to that phrase: This is the new reality. It gives us peace to know what to expect, though we don’t like it. Mom knows that she’s going to be sick in the morning, and then it’s over. She hates it, but knowing that it’s a new constant helps her accept it and move through. I had applied that phrase to Mom’s situation, but I realized the other day that it applies to my work at Avenue Z as well.

All of a sudden, I’m in a new reality. My new reality is amazing. I’m an established business owner, not a struggling newbie. I have great relationships with a number of long-time clients, and they not only pay my bills, they make me smile, think of me and my family, encourage me as my company grows and share stories of their lives with me. It’s been less than 2 years since I started my company, and I’ve yet to borrow money, pay a bill late, miss a meal or go without a latte when I really want it. I no longer work 10-12 hours a day, 6-7 days a week. My stress level has decreased, even though I still worry about how to get everything done. And I’m utterly happy with the path I chose.

It’s no secret that I’ve been blogging less here at Life on Avenue Z. A few of you have written (which always makes me smile) to ask how things are going, worrying that my silence is a bad sign. My blogging less here is less about me being unhappy and more about me being very content. My original title here was “The trials and tribulations of a new freelance copywriter.” I haven’t written much because I’m kind of out of the trials and tribulations phase. I’m thinking of rewriting the tagline and the purpose of this blog so that it more reflects my new reality, which ain’t so bad.

Look around your life… has a crisis quietly settled, leaving you with a new reality you’ve yet to recognize?

PS — another Mom update: We had some GREAT news in February. The big tumor in her neck that they treated with radiation has shrunk to 50 percent, and the other little nasty boogers have either stayed the same or decreased. Yeah. Take that Dr. Gloom who delivered the news with a horrifying timeline! This means that we’re no longer living on the doctor’s time prediction. Mom’s living each day on her own timeline, and we’re happy to share each day with her.