After I quit my job with my version of an “I can’t take this anymore” call to my boss, I thought of a few hundred things I thought I might want to do before I decided to become a professional copywriter. Yesterday I watched the Super Bowl, and as the hours progressed, I realized I was seeing a number of professions I’m glad I never pursued.

1. Professional football coach:
   Any job that rewards good work with an unexpected, ice-cold dousing would be highly unpleasant for me.
2. Cheerleader:
   I have eschewed a career as a professional cheerleader out of my respect for humankind, because no one on earth is interested in seeing me in those little outfits. (P.S. — If you are interested, send me a private email.)
3. Up-and-coming rock star:
   After I saw Alicia Keys in those animal print pants, I realized my thighs would prevent me from ever walking in her musical path.
4. Aging rock star:
   I don’t have the qualifications, since I would have to have been an up-and-coming rock star first (see number three).
5. Locker room reporter:
   To be honest, I’m not sure how much I’d be able to concentrate on the interviews while I was standing in a room full of sweaty, naked men. It’s a weakness.
6. GoDaddy.com commercial writer:
   As I’ve written before, there are simply some audiences I will never reach with my writing.
7. Super Bowl Commentator:
   I’m pretty sure I’d have to know more about football than what color their uniforms are.
8. Commentator wardrobe picker:
   Someone was actually in charge of making sure all the commentators’ ties coordinated.
9. Gatorade guy:
   There were people who stood near the football players and squeezed Gatorade bottles through the players’ face masks to shoot the energy drink into the players’ mouths. I guess they didn’t want the players to have to expend an ounce of energy lifting a Gatorade bottle. I’d never want to be a Gatorade guy, but I’m hoping I get famous enough to employ one, someone to mop my brow and hold double Americanos to my lips as I peck out my next novel.
10. Super Bowl custodian:
    Did you see all the confetti after the game? Who cleans that up?