I had a gift certificate from Victoria’s Secret, and I ordered some panties. As a freelance copywriter, I have helped several of my clients write error messages and customer service responses, so I found this note I just received interesting:

Dear Elizabeth,

We experienced issues during the processing of your most recent order. As a result, we were unable to ship some of your items at this time. We truly apologize for the disappointment and inconvenience this may have caused.

***** NAME OF A PAIR OF PANTIES (I’m sure you don’t feel the need to know)*****

If the status of your item(s) is shown as “in stock”, we anticipate resolution of the issue and your item should process and ship shortly. Should you choose not to wait, please call 1-800-888-1500 and we will promptly process a refund for the item(s) noted above. One of our service specialists would also be happy to assist you with an alternate selection.

If the status of your item(s) is shown as “backorder”, the anticipated ship date is noted above. If you do not want to wait for your backorder, please call 1-800-888-1500 to cancel or one of our service specialists would be happy to assist you with an alternate selection.

If the status of your item(s) is shown as “discontinued”, a refund will be processed immediately. Please allow 3 to 5 business days for processing and 1 to 2 billing cycles for the credit to appear on your monthly statement.

*****INCLUSION OF ONE EMAIL, TWO 1-800 NUMBERS, AND INSTRUCTIONS IN SPANISH *****

We value you as a customer and it is our hope that you will grant us the opportunity to serve you again.

Sincerely,

Victoria’s Secret Customer Service

I was most intrigued by this sentence: “We truly apologize for the disappointment and inconvenience this may have caused.” For the life of me I can’t figure out who would be disappointed and inconvenienced about the delay of a pair of panties. Don’t most of us have other panties? Are women all over the country on the verge of collapse about a bra they ordered?

Also, I can’t figure out how a big outfit like VS would not have an email system that would customize the email based on the type of delay. My panties are in stock and delayed, yet they provided all three scenarios that might have happened to my panties in the mailmerged section of the email. Finally, we have the phrase “it is our hope that you will grant us the opportunity to serve you again.” Does this mean that delayed panties have caused people to swear off Victoria’s Secret forever? My gosh — don’t we have other things to worry about?

I would have gone with something a little less formal and a lot less obsequious. After all, they sell underwear, right? That’s pretty darn informal.

Perhaps something like:

Dear sexy shopper,

We’ve shipped part of your lingerie order, but one item is delayed. We’re sorry for the inconvenience. Rest assured it will be in the mail soon.

If you’re having a lingerie emergency (and we know how that is — wink wink), just give us a call and our panty patrol will help you solve your problem. Here at Victoria’s Secret, we always have your back, you know.

Sincerely,

VS

One more update — about an hour after the customer service email, I got a promo email with this subject line:

Pajama Sets, $19.99 & Up. You don’t want to snooze on this!

Dreadful. They’re just killing me.