Dateline: Tuesday afternoon, mid-freakout….

Right now I’m eating a chocolate Power Bar that I heated in the microwave. This is the closest thing to a 6-inch chocolate cupcake I could find in my house, since I don’t keep any food here. My belly’s in knots. I keep biting my lip. My cat keeps tripping me up as I pace.

Yeah, I’m nervous.

I haven’t had a new client sign on in a month. I’ve got regular work from a handful of groups, but I’m facing the January/February slowdown with great anxiety. My eNewsletter this month seems to have gotten a mediocre reception, and I had hoped for more registrations for my webinar later this month.

Here’s my mind: oh no what if what if oh dear what if what if uh oh what if what if…..

My biggest fear these days is that I won’t be able to keep making a living as a freelance copywriter. I keep thinking that tomorrow all my projects will come to an end and nothing else will ever come in. Ever. I’ll end up 40-something and living in my parents’ basement.

This is not true. No, really. This is not true. I will keep having projects, and I will keep getting new clients. BUT right now it feels like it might be true. Actually, right now it feels imminent.

So, if I KNOW that my fears are not going to come true and I’m positive that I’ll be ok, why am I bothering to post a snapshot of a chocolate-craving, stress-laden, doubt-ridden moment here in sunny San Diego? Because I pledged to be honest on this blog about my adventures as a freelance copywriter. Because I want to let people know that even if one fears the worst, one can keep going. Because I never want to make this blog seem like a one-sided, overly optimistic view of what happens when one starts a business. I’m not sure that other small business owners have moments of doubt like I do, so I can’t say that this is what you’re going to feel like sometimes. But I resolved to let you know what I am feeling, thus I’m writing this post in the midst of an official freakout.

Most of my days are fantastic here on Avenue Z. I send drafts to my clients and receive nice feedback. I drive to the post office and pick up checks. I find supportive comments on my blog.

But some days are tough, and sometimes I don’t know if I want to keep working this hard. Some moments I want to switch on a Lifetime movie and grab a bag of chips and a can of chocolate fudge frosting and stop trying to be a success. Today is one of those days, and I have neither a TV nor chips nor chocolate fudge anything. So I guess I’ll keep working.

NOTE: I am neither fishing for compliments nor hoping for reassurance nor asking for cupcakes by mail. I’ve gotten several emails that call my blog “refreshingly honest,” and I feel obliged to tell the whole truth.

By the way, here’s another freakout for your reading pleasure.