I guess I’ve decided I need to work only 6.25 days a week. This afternoon was cold and rainy here in sunny San Diego, and it was perfect for pushing “Play All” on the last DVD of Season One of “Grey’s Anatomy.”

“Grey’s Anatomy” always has this voice over introduction of a theme of the episode… sometimes Meredith talks about responsibility or intimacy or drawing a line in the sand.

After watching four episodes in a row, I started narrating a voice over of my own… about trust. I ruminated on the events of the day as I enjoyed my Saturday-night date with the treadmill.

This morning, the .25 I worked was an inspiring meeting with one of my best business colleagues. “Wow, your ideas are great!” I said to him. He answered, “Wow. You’re really going places!” And then we promised to share that resource and this idea and this list and that concept. “It’s all gonna be beautiful,” we said together. And we left smiling.

A few hours later, I received an email related to the legal imbroglio I wrote about a few weeks ago. We’ve agreed to disagree, more or less, but there’s legal paperwork left, and I think the release they asked me to sign might insist I call their lawyers before changing my hair color. I’m going to have to consult my legal counsel again to ensure I’m not getting screwed. And they consulted their lawyers to make sure they weren’t getting screwed.

So here we still are, both sides bristling with “thereofs” and “parties of the first parts.” And the relationship that went sour used to be based on some amazing trust. I trusted completely that the party of the first part was going to do right by me, and that party trusted that I would do right by them. And our assumptions of what was right were far apart.

So when my dear friend and I got together and promised to do x in exchange for y and pledged to collaborate on z, I can’t help but wonder if I should trust this time. And I can’t help but wonder if I should trust less with my clients. Since most of my contracts, at least for the first projects, are fairly small (less than $500 or so), I generally send a proposal with terms and conditions for payment, and I ask for email verification of the official “yes.” I have a very long, very formal contract that I purchased for freelance writing work, but I’ve only used it twice, and one of the clients didn’t even sign it since we kicked off their project so quickly. I didn’t ask them about it again.

I’d prefer to trust, personally and professionally. But as I get older, I’m losing that ability. My second-to-last (and my third-to-last) relationship end caused some major trust issues. And my last boyfriend assured me I could trust him. And then WHAM. Oops. He meant I could trust him as long as we didn’t go farther than he wanted to go. And now I’d maybe like to date someone new, and the little narrator in my head says…”Hold on a second here, missy. Remember what happened all the other times…”

But being an untrusting soul and always trying to cover my rear is exhausting. I can’t quantify how many hours I’ve spent figuring out how to do something that will help me get my money back from that group, and now I have to spend more time ensuring that they haven’t asked me to sign away my ability to make a living. And I’d much rather spend my energy with my clients on work that actually matters — not on legal contracts so that if things go wrong no one will sue anyone else. And I’d really like to trust a nice person I recently met who makes me smile, or even the next nice person I come across.

So, how do I turn off my cautious little narrator? Perhaps I need better medication. Or perhaps my own trust meter is off. How do I know which person is REALLY the one who is trustworthy? Should I go on trusting blindly and worrying incessantly that I’ve made the wrong decision? Or should I learn to cover my ass more efficiently and go through life doing business through a wall I build around myself?

For now perhaps I’ll just listen to the rain, ice my knees and watch more “Grey’s Anatomy.”

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